How to be a domme

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Folks looking to get into kink want passion, excitement, and a break from boring. They want to be bad but not too bad. Good Masters understand they are in service to their submissives, entrusted to protect the heart, shatter the ego, and reprogram negative habits.

At the minimum, they scratch a compulsory itch not easily understood by outsiders—assuming they can distinguish fantasy from reality. I meet Pollyanna at Starbucks. Marketing is her day job, and she wants to make extra money. When she asks me what I think of the Fifty Shades series, I smile politely and change the subject.

L James and Co. No one denies it was smart marketing, albeit vanilla in flavor, spurring the soccer mom community to perk up from their endless afternoon doldrum. The demographic is standard: sweet, nerdy girl gets to play bottom bitch for hunky rich dad-figure. Every session is different; every fetish is unique; every insight is another layer to the onion. Oh, and not everyone can take a spanking like Maggie Gyllenhaal. They should start with a primer, an adult version of See Dick Beg. In a dungeon, you are the boss, no bones about it.

Clients come in, they give you power, and you take it for an hour or three. You feel heavy with responsibilities now?

How to be a domme

Heavy is the head that wears the crown. But when clients come to see you and you want them to keep coming, your image as a sexual but untouchable authority figure, far-removed from the concerns and helpless desires of modern man, is half the appeal. Anything else is false advertising. Each to their own; a corset, bustier, fishnets, and stilettos are a physical inventory of personal style and power.

How to be a domme

That said, most Dommes dress the part under their corporate suits or in leisure time, regardless of who requests what. The costume, or lack thereof, is a part of the power. The job has perks and drawbacks like any other. We make our own rules and stick to our guns while educating playmates on how we expect them to behave. Give away too much time and it will become the standard. Give away too little and your client will bitch about it to others.

Make time work for you. Do this by deciding before the play happens, you will learn something from the experience. A moment can be an eternity or stretch on like a wad of freshly chewed bubble gum wrapped around your shoe.

It is easy to be seduced by the grandeur of fast money. You have a session that makes you feel like a goddamn Warrior Queen. It was easy, the chemistry was on point, and you felt like you really helped him.

How to be a domme

The client is generous, appreciative. He hands you a wad of coin, more than two weeks pay at your normal job, for a couple hours of play. This is where providers get a bad rap.

How to be a domme

The lure of money becomes bigger than the humanity of the act. A good indication of an ill-fitting job, you will need outside substances to get through the day. No where in the job description does it say coke whores, alcoholics, emotional vampires, and train-wrecks need only apply.

It leaves the clients feeling like crap, an ATM, a walking wallet. Then they have to come to people like me for reprogramming. It gives us all a bad name. If the lure of fast money is too strong, do yourself a favor, become a yoga teacher, pastor, reiki practitioner, or astrologist.

Start a cult, learn NLP, throw in with a celebrity book club. They all need acolytes, and some of them come with benefits. On the other side of the spectrum, if you focus solely on being a giver, you will soon find yourself a doormat. Dissatisfaction will run amuck. Can you have financial security and care about your clients? I insist. It will make you great at your craft, but understand they are coming to see you because you are unlike anyone else in their lives.

Believe it or not, the majority of providers and sex workers not under the thumb of a patriarchy see themselves as necessary healers in a landscape of lonely, depressed, and well-meaning patrons. Being a dominatrix means witnessing someone carrying an immense history of pain and pleasure. This could be disease, fear, bliss, and pent-up desire.

How to be a domme

In a condensed setting, flashes of enlightenment drop like H-bombs on the regular. All the things you wish you could say and do to macho, overly aggressive, and crybaby assholes? At no time are you allowed to use this to punish without consent.

Share with them, yes. Explore those feelings together, goodness please. Hurt them out of spite or vengeance? You just knocked yourself out of the position of power. Whether you work a dominatrix establishment, rent a room in a commercial space, meet clients in hotel rooms, or have a St. Andrews cross in your basement, the liability for disaster is an ever-present partner. Anything that deals with sexuality is sex work, and sex workers are not protected by general consensus or the law.

We should have played it safe. Crime, rape, murder, suicide, all acts of wild desperation, would skyrocket without the Madame Georgess Baileys of the world. There are moments in the life of every dominatrix when the reflection in the mirror is a cross between Pretty Woman and Sweeney Todd. When people throw you power, you get used to it. Being Master, with all the influence that comes with it, is seductive and addictive.

The more you think you have control, the more you disassociate from reality. You start to believe your own press.

How to be a domme

Your reality is not the same as my reality, ad infinitum. So play a game with me for a second. I look at you and want you to make me feel things. I hand you my power on a silver platter. Because I have ased you a specific role, I do as you command. You reward me or punish me. I feel special, and there is relief in taking a break from making decisions. The moment this arrangement stops working for me, I can and will leave the scene. It could take ten minutes or ten years.

Give and take. Come and go. Tension and relaxation. If the master is the slave, then the slave is the master. It pops the bubble, ruins the reverie, and casts light into cupboards advertising taboo embraces. Make no mistake, Kink is and will remain popular as long as there are people who want to pretend they have a secret. Such is life. Most folks want a play-by-play, an HBO series, a way to be a voyeur without getting their hands dirty. Or they want tips and techniques. Hit them like this, stroke them like that, blah, blah, blah.

I believe, after an intensive chat, her intentions are in the how to be a domme place. If she is serious, this will not deter her. In the meantime, it is a hobby and a fantasy, all the better for its lack of definition. There are all sorts of manuals and memoirs to fill in the blanks. My desire to play in the dark started early and never left. I can feel the handle of the whip, smell leather and salt in my nose, the rightness of someone asking me to take their power, just for a little while, because I know what to do with it. It must choose you as you choose it.

What happens when you take a committed couple and throw them into the play pit with a BDSM provider? Hopefully good things! Just in case, here are some guidelines on how to pick a provider to match your fantasy, plus tips to ward off unnecessary drama. As a glorified babysitter-mother-therapist, you will be placed on a pedestal and rarely allowed to come down when your client is watching. You may love the look of a Dominatrix, but when you have to dress up because someone else wants to see it, therein lies resentment.

You can run your scene like a subcontractor, hired help, or a storefront, but you must run it like a business. Speaking of rewards…. Decide if you're going Pro Dominatrix for the money or the greater good. The Master is the Slave in disguise. Want to learn more about Dommes and sex providers? : Dominatrix. Leave a Reply Cancel reply. What's on your mind? Related Posts. After clicking Subscribe, if you do not receive a verificationplease check your Spam folder or.

Devora Gray. With over ten years of sex consulting experience, Devora Gray continues to travel to the darkside of the psyche, where anything can and usually does happen. As much as it is solitary work, the best insights come from the collective. For all the how to be a domme out there at 18 or 88, our play is work, and our work is play. May death never find us unscathed.

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How to be a domme

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So You Want to Be a Dominatrix